We’ve all experienced it—being on the receiving end of someone’s dislike, criticism, or negativity. Maybe a coworker always finds a way to undermine you, or a family member seems cold and distant. It’s easy to take these moments personally, to believe they say something about you.
But what if I told you… it’s often not about you at all?
Hate, Love, and the Strange Way People Connect
As humans, we seek connection—it’s wired into us. But not all connections are built through kindness and mutual admiration. Sometimes, people bond over shared dislikes more than they bond over shared loves.
Have you ever noticed how some friendships thrive on a common enemy?
- The coworkers who gripe about their boss together
- The siblings who unite over their mutual frustration with their parents
- The in-laws who always seem to be whispering about the same person
To them, the act of “disliking” is actually an act of bonding. It’s how they create closeness with each other—even if, to the disliked person, it feels like rejection or hate.
Why It’s Not About You (Even When It Feels Like It Is):
🔹 People project their own insecurities.
- Often, criticism of you has nothing to do with your actions and everything to do with someone else’s fears, struggles, or frustrations with themselves.
Example: The Manager Who Criticizes Too Much
Imagine you’re working hard at your job, putting in extra effort, and feeling proud of your contributions. But your manager seems impossible to please—they nitpick small mistakes, dismiss your successes, and constantly make you feel like you’re falling short.
At first, it feels personal. What am I doing wrong? Why don’t they like me?
But then, you learn something: your manager is under intense pressure from their boss.
🔹 They’re afraid of being seen as ineffective.
🔹 They feel insecure about their own job performance.
🔹 Instead of confronting their own fears, they project that stress onto you.
Their criticism isn’t really about you—it’s about their own struggles, masked as authority. The more they pick at others, the more control they feel over their own uncertainty.
Lesson:
Next time you face unfair criticism, ask:
- “What might this person be dealing with?”
- “Is this about me, or is this their own fear surfacing?”
Understanding this won’t excuse bad behavior, but it frees you from taking it personally. You are not the cause of their stress—you’re just an easy target. And that’s a reflection of them, not you.
🔹 Negativity is easier than vulnerability.
- Many people find it easier to unite against something than to openly express their love and admiration.
- If they talked about their own fears, they’d be vulnerable. If they talk about you, they feel safe.
Example: The Sibling Rivalry That’s Not Really About You
Imagine two siblings, Sarah and Emily, who have never been very close. They rarely express affection toward each other, but they bond strongly whenever they talk about their “difficult” cousin, Lisa.
Whenever Lisa’s name comes up, they laugh, complain, and vent together. They pick apart her choices, her habits, and even small things like her social media posts. Over time, this becomes their way of connecting.
But here’s the truth: it’s not really about Lisa.
🔹 Sarah and Emily struggle to express love directly—they’re afraid of rejection, of being vulnerable, or of opening up about their insecurities.
🔹 Instead of saying, “I appreciate having you as my sister,” they build their connection through shared negativity.
🔹 It’s easier to say, “Ugh, Lisa is exhausting,” than to say, “I love you, and I’m glad we’re close.”
Lisa, on the other hand, may take their words personally—she might feel attacked, unwanted, or judged. But in reality, her cousins’ bond has nothing to do with her as a person.
Lesson:
When people unite in criticism, it’s often a sign of their own emotional discomfort, not a reflection of the person they’re discussing.
Instead of taking it personally, recognize that negativity can be a safety net for those who fear vulnerability. Their words say more about them than they do about you.
🔹 You are not in control of how others bond.
- People choose their social dynamics, and sometimes that means building friendships by talking about someone else.
- It’s their way of showing loyalty to each other, not necessarily hostility toward you.
- How to Free Yourself from Taking It Personally?
đź’ˇ 1. Understand the Role You Play
You may just be a character in their story—not a villain, just a placeholder for their own emotions.
đź’ˇ 2. Focus on What You Can Control
You can’t change how people bond, but you can change how much weight you give their words.
Instead of reacting, ask: “Is this actually about me?”
đź’ˇ 3. Lead with Grace, Not Ego
People who bond through negativity are often seeking connection in the only way they know how.
Instead of resentment, try compassion—they may not even realize they’re doing it.
đź’ˇ 4. Choose Detachment, Not Defensiveness
The less you let others’ words define your worth, the more peaceful your life becomes.
Final Thought: Their Bond, Their Choice—Your Peace, Your Choice
Next time you feel rejected, misunderstood, or disliked, remember: sometimes, people aren’t actually rejecting you—they’re just choosing someone else.
And that’s okay. Your value isn’t determined by their perception.
đź“Ś The key to peace? Stop taking things personally. It was never really about you in the first place. đź’›
“The way people treat you is often more about them than it is about you. Don’t take their fears, insecurities, or unspoken struggles as a reflection of your worth.” 💛